Movie Review: Rampage


Back in the 80’s a little game called Rampage came out. Its premise was really simple, you play as a giant ape, a giant lizard, or a giant wolf-man. You take your giant monster animal thingĀ and destroy all of the buildings and eat people all while the military tries to stop you. That’s the entire thing, not much story or anything else to it. Really it didn’t need one, you’re playing as King Kong, and as we all know that’s what King Kong does.

Fast forward to 2018, there have been some more games with essentially the same premise and someone at New Line thought “hey this is missing something.” That something apparently being Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and a story.

I’ll try to avoid “spoilers” though seriously there aren’t really any. I might have some, in case you’re concerned I’ll somehow ruin this movie for you.

What follows is a convoluted story involving falling space debris that was “engineered to withstand reentry.” (Note: sure, why not. However these containers that cause our giant monsters not only survive the trip through the Earths Atmosphere, but also hit ground, cause a small impact crater, and come out perfectly shaped. Yeah, its gonna be that kind of movie.)

Essentially evil corporation with evil brother and sister CEO’s who graduated from the Umbrella Corporation school of Underpants Gnomes business practices are running this company.


They have designed a formula that will cause an animal to become very large, extremely aggressive and have attributes from other animals. They have done this because. No seriously, I have no idea what the business practice behind this is. They cannot control these animals and why would anyone want a giant killing monster they can’t control. What is the market for this? I mean the movie starts off with a spiked space rat destroying their space station. Why would you still want this thing?

On top of that the evil generic CEOS are seriously incompetent. The only control mechanism is that they can make the monsters come by broadcasting a low frequency signal. They do this from atop a tower in Chicago that calls the monsters over from Wyoming, Colorado, and somewhere else. Apparently the writers either don’t understand that radio signals travel in straight lines, or think the Earth is flat. Or both.

Anyways, giant monsters show up, wreak city. Military can’t stop them, that’s for The Rock to do.

Oh, also Negan is in it. The only other thing I really know Jeffrey Dean Morgan from other than The Walking Dead is Greys Anatomy. (Yes, I used to watch it, I admit it. I stopped, seriously that show needs to end already. At least Desperate Housewives knew when to call it quits. Yeah, I’ll own that too) It’s been a while since he was on Greys having died so I don’t recall his performance so well. My point here is, while his name is not Negan, he’s totally Negan, but official OGA (Other Government Agency, yay spooks!) I’m going to have to find something else he was in to see if he can play a different character. But seriously give him Lucille and he’d be right at home here.

Alright, final thoughts.

Unless you really want to waste some money at the theater or have movie pass and nothing better to do, do not go see this movie.

The villains are incompetent, make exactly zero sense, and I dreaded every time they were on screen. Dwayne Johnson is as always loveable

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