Changes

It’s not you I hate Cardassian, I hate what I became, because of you.

Miles O’Brien spoke those words to a Cardassian, an alien race the Federation had been at war with in the fictional future history of Star Trek. In the episode, O’Brien is telling a Cardassian a story of a battle he had been in, of trying to protect civilians and innocents that had been killed in the war. It’s a sign of the PTSD he suffers from. It’s a powerful scene, well worth watching.

I am starting to understand what he might mean when he says that. Those two lines, and the power behind them.

Today, early in the morning on the east coast, Donald Trump announced Via Twitter that he and Melania Trump have both tested positive Covid-19. When my wife told me the news my response was simple. “I won’t feel bad if he dies. I’m not hoping he does, but if he does, I’m not going to shed a tear.”

I lied. There’s a part of me that is hoping he dies. There’s a part of me that thinks of all the things that he’s done. Muslim bans, kids in cages, forced hysterotomies, dismissing global warming as a hoax, his treatment of the BLM movement and cries for justice. Refusing to denounce white supremist groups. Dismissing Coronavirus as a “china virus’ and as a ploy to hurt him politically and his handling of it as over 200k Americans have died. All that and so much more.

Then there’s a part of me that’s so distrustful of anything he says that I wonder if he truly has gotten the disease. How do we know he’s not trying to drum up sympathy after that dreadful debate? What if he uses it as an excuse to stay in for the next 2 weeks, tweeting about how it’s not that bad, and skips the next debates under the guise of the virus. Then after, emerges victoriously telling us it’s no big deal and he took hydroxychloroquine and that anyone can get through it, when in truth they never had it.

It’s not you I hate Cardassian, I hate what I became, because of you.

I don’t like the thoughts running through my head tonight. That’s why I’m here writing them out. It’s why I remembered this scene and re-watched it. I don’t support Trump, I never have, and never will. I didn’t support or like Bush either. But I don’t think I ever wished for his death, directly or indirectly.

Like it or not, America has changed in the last four years because of Trump. Because of who he is, and what he has done. There have been signs of hope, light in the darkness in the age of Trump. Lawyers banding together to defeat the Muslim ban, those helping refugees at the borders and fighting the separation and conditions in the concentration camps. Young people taking to the streets to demand justice and reform with BLM, and not just black americans, but white americans demanding that something change because what is going on is no longer acceptable, it never should have been, and it’s time for change.

But, those thoughts are there, and I’m not alone. Looking over Twitter “There is a God” is trending as a response to Trump contracting the disease. Hoax and TrumpVirus are trending, all from people talking about him getting the disease. Most seem to be celebrations of him getting sick, or of sarcasm given how he has handled everything.

It’s not you I hate Cardassian, I hate what I became, because of you.

Or perhaps more accurately, It’s not you I hate Trump, I hate what I became, because of you.

Like him or leave him. Love him or hate him, wherever you fall on the scale of Trump, he has changed us. He has changed us all, and not for the better.

Whatever happens with him and the virus. Survives, or not, it doesn’t matter. He’s changed us, changed me.

I hate what I’ve become, because of him.

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